Walking Away

Genesis 2
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It’s a wrap!

Release your light.

As we wrap 2021 away I forge ahead into 2022 with a great appreciation for 2021. In 2021 loss rang louder than ever before and the need for healing became a ritual. I lost jobs, friends, family members, pets, and opportunities. It seemed like it would never end. These losses forced me out of my comfort zone forcing me to long for the much easier times but it was too late. 

With all that loss I’m still here, not because of anything I did but because I found resilience in my faith. With resilience getting up each day got easier. There were still days when the recollection of what I had lost would knock me out, but I would remember that God has not forgotten me.

I’m still here and if you’re reading this you’re still here. I wish you so much resilience in the new year that will truly transform your comfort zone. And as resilience guards your path protect your energy because you are light. We need you to shine brighter like never before. 

Take care of yourself and those you love. Just remember to be present here and fight to stay here. 

Taking my family for granted

We all know that families are imperfect because it’s made up of imperfect people who are all trying to figure it out. And if I’m extending grace to people I don’t share a bloodline with then I need to extend that same grace to my bloodline. 

Truth be told for the longest I have taken my siblings for granted by wanting them to be who I want them to be. Judging them for not living up to my standards of what our family name represents. Then I realized something about me and that is I don’t judge my friends. Yet I’m unable to have lasting friendships where the love is not fully reciprocated. Often times they neglect to support me or when it gets difficult because of arguments they leave. And there’s the case where I’m left feeling like the bad guy, feeling as though being myself should be hidden. Yet I still desire friendships with bonds that resemble sisterhood. 

Then I’m reminded to love people where they are at and to foster the sisterhood of my bloodline. As cliche as it might sound, it took surgery for me to realize what I’ve been searching for was always there. My sisters rallied around me during my surgery and after my surgery wholeheartedly. Taking care of me, feeding me, and nursing me back to health. All of a sudden the guilt of judging them and for not accepting them the way they are rose to the surface. 

People have told me that you can have a family outside your bloodline and that’s wonderful if you can find it but I haven’t been so lucky. And I don’t believe it’s in line for me. So with the exception of toxic family situations, you might want to analyze why you choose to take for granted family members that with all your imperfections or arguments still choose you. Will you choose them? 

The truth i know.

Today the storms were louder than usual and there was no where to hide.

I sought refuge in the arms of men but there was no one on the other side to lift me up. So shutting my eyes seemed like the best thing hoping that when my eyes open the storm would be calm. But yet the noise grew louder. When will it stop? Why did it start? I suppose I deserve it. That’s not the point, when will it stop is the real question. Somehow the pressure is breaking me down.

The truth is this storm is pulling me into a new path. A path where fully being me is never compromised. But it’s hard. Everything inside of me is fighting against this change. Then in that moment I surrender. See my bandwidth to keep fighting something I can’t control has reached its limit. 

So this is surrender, where I let go and find a rock to stand on. Have you ever experienced whole surrender? Your heart stays fixed on God and decisions are made from a place of pure intentions. Suddenly everything you thought was ravaged by the storm no longer has dominion over you. It’s not perfect because some days the scars left by the storm sting, then you remember that you stuck it out and today you survived the storm. 

Self-worth again?

Truth be told we’ve all or are still struggling with low self-esteem and it’s hard to recognize it when you’re in the thick of it. But when it’s all said and done is there room to start over again knowing your self worth? 

There was a period in my life where I was norm to a lot of things and all I could do was go through the motions. In that period I made mistakes that can never be retrieved. 

The biggest mistake came in the form of a relationship I knew I had no business starting, because he told me his objective was to be friends for a very long time. Knowing I wasn’t seeking friendship I should have eliminated the relationship. Instead I kept allowing him to orbit my universe as though I was oblivious to his truth. They say the truth will set you free but if you’re deep into low self-esteem the truth becomes an elusion. Even now admitting that self-esteem plagued my decision is difficult as I’ve always thought of myself as being confident. After a year of back and forth there wasn’t a title in sight, it appeared to be a situationship. And when I subtracted myself from the cycle my heart was broken while he moved on to marriage. 

When we choose to ignore the truth the hurt from the fall out is unmeasurable. But you have to know and believe that you’re an overcomer no matter what. You have to believe that the pain will make you stronger and for future reference you won’t walk this path again. Picking up the pieces was hard but learning the resilience I possess propelled me forward. And the friends and family who had provided warning signals were there supporting my healing process. Although low self-esteem may lead you to stay in toxic relationships, you’ll soon recognize what you need to do in order to rebuild your confidence and elevate your self-worth. 

The Glory Days

When you closed the door on the past, a window was still open. But now the wind has changed directions bringing you back to close the window. 

Often times we hold on to memorabilia that commemorate who we once were or the best of times. But what happens when the memorabilia is damaged or lost forever? Grief sets in and you start to mourn what it represented, the glory days. After all you kept it as a reminder, you nurtured it hoping someday soon the glory days would return.

We lost our beloved dog that we acquired in our glory days, and the anguish of never seeing his perked up fun loving face anymore is reeling in all our minds. Jack knew how to light up a room even though he always appeared as the least smartest one of the dogs. Maybe that was his superpower after all. As we mourn him we can’t help but revisit the beginning of his presence. Leading us back to our glory days when things were simple, we were younger and hopeful. Then reality sets in reminding us that he’s gone and all the chance of the glory days returning are lost.

So there you are at the window, unsure that you’re ready to relinquish the past. But if you’re honest, shutting the window will bring you to a new glorious day that holds no comparison. 

RIP Jack…

Somewhere

Is this your season? 

Trying really hard to stay positive but something, somewhere keeps pulling you down.

They tell you to give the load to someone else but sometimes you wonder if he’s really there. 

Is this your season?

Always been a fighter but you can’t seem to find your sword to sharpen it for this new battle. Somewhere you know he’s fighting for you so you surrender the search for the sword. But something somewhere inside you has changed.

Is this your season?

Something somewhere inside you is broken and all that you were and all that you are is slowly fading and you can’t stop it. 

This is your season. 

This is the season to be broken and not rush to be mended but to believe that you will heal and somewhere and someday you’ll be built stronger than you were. Don’t believe it now but remember this there is strength in your brokenness.